life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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