he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
