Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
