Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
