I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
