What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
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At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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