I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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