How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's never too late to be topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
