so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
