I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
