Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
