its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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