The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
