My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
