just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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