just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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