I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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