proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
