I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
