I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
