I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I love having hate sex.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
