i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
