Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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