I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
