Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
