ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You were trust falling into bushes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
