Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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