the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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