You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
