Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
