Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
