she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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