Heybabeimwearingurpanties
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i need to put some appletini on your dick
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
