So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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