it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
