based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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