And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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