dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
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You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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