Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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