Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
