saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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