Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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