But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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