i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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