Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
