I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
