I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
