Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
