I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
