my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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