A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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