i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He? As in you personified your dick?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
