am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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