I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
