can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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