But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
It's never too late to be topless.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.