my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
