I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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