Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
