i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
The struggles of a small town man whore
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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